Sleeping

I wasn't sleeping.

I was tired as soon as the sun went down,

And I was cuddled up in bed by ten.

But I wasn't sleeping.

Sure, I was in bed:

My eyes were closed, my body shut down

And for the most part, I'd seem zen.

But I wasn't sleeping.

I was restless. 

My body wanted to wake up,

With my mind racing in the dark.

I wasn't sleeping.

No matter how long

It never seemed to feel like enough

And I stirred with the first calls of larks.

I wasn't sleeping.

I dreaded the morning

Even though I was anxious for it to come,

And my body wanted to stir in the night.

I wasn't sleeping.

But last night I slept!

My bed was so peaceful and warm;

I wasn't disturbed by the morning light.

I welcomed it.

Going Nowhere

I wake up in the morning

And I sit down at my desk.

I attend my Zoom class,

And I study for my test.

Sometimes I want to leave

But I have nowhere to go.

I'm lacking motivation,

And I feel stuck in this hole.

I'd love to write a novel

And make a million bucks,

Or maybe I'd go viral - 

But I don't have that kind of luck. 

I know I need a hobby

Something meaningful to pass the time.

But I am not marketable

And things I make aren't worth a dime.

I have two jobs - one remote,

And the other keeps shutting down.

I dread waking up in the morning,

Because if I think, I know I'll drown.

I have all this angst

As I watch the time go by.

I wait for something to happen,

And think about when I'll die.

My life's a mess -

Like I don't belong,

I'm an awkward chord

In a too-loud song.

I'm planning for a future

That threatens not to come

And choking on the overflow

Of everyone acting dumb.

I'd like to say I'm like everyone else,

Just waiting for my big break.

But I know it won't ever come,

And I just want to feel okay.

Always, I've been a homebody

Okay to interact online.

But now that it's no longer a choice

I feel like I am dying.

I miss seeing people,

I miss having chats.

I miss going places,

I miss my boyfriend's cat.

I don't want to take care of myself -

I'm struggling just to breathe.

I thought that school would help me escape,

But all I want is to leave.

Maybe I should just choose to run away

And go live alone in the woods.

But I don't have any seed money,

And I don't really think that I could.

Why am I telling you all of this?

I'm not really sure why.

Maybe it just needs to come out

And I'd rather write poems than cry.

Adrift

I do not like

The way I feel right now.

Adrift,

Lost,

A ship at sea

With no harbor to call home,

And no lighthouse to guide me.

I am confused,

And so afraid right now.

A bird,

Lost,

No sun in sight

To point me to my warm nest

Where it is safe for hiding.

I'm insecure;

Uneasy, unsteady -

Balanced,

Lost,

On narrow paths

With no clear indication

Of which way is the right one.