Falling Apart

Here I am,
And I'm falling apart.
Every time a piece breaks off,
It's more painful.
I'm falling apart,
Losing who I am,
Forgetting who I was.
What I feel inside
Is spilling out,
Burning itself onto my skin,
And dancing before my eyes.
I'm falling apart,
And my blood is seeping
Through the cracks
In the shell of who I thought I was.
I'm a liar, a faker, a wannabe,
But I've been good at hiding it.
Yet here they are
For all to see,
The lies that made up "me."
I'm falling apart,
But I don't care.
I'm ready for the end.
Hold my hand
While I'm falling apart
And don't let me be alone.

Over You

I thought that I was over you,
That the butterflies were gone,
And that I could be free.
But then I saw you again,
And all those feelings I had
Came flooding back
Even after all this time.
I tried to get over you,
The way you made me feel,
The soul in your eyes,
But I couldn't.
I thought I did,
Until you showed up at my door,
With those eyes and that smile,
And I felt myself shatter.
I wish I never fell for you,
But that brief moment
In which you were mine
Was worth all the diamonds in the world.
I didn't know that I wasn't over you,
Even after months of silence,
I still loved you,
But you were never truly mine
And I will never be yours.
You don't want me, I know,
But, after all this time,
I'm still not over you.

It took a lot of time

For me to get over you.

I met someone else,

I loved him,

And I thought he loved me too.

But, like you, he left.

The only difference

Is that he never came back.

I thought he was mine,

I thought I was his,

And I thought it would last forever.

But I was wrong.

I may never get over him,

Though he helped me get over you.

It took my heart being broken twice,

But I'm finally over you.

I Am From

I am from a family that tore itself apart,

From loud arguments, divorce, and court battles.

I am from B-B-B-H-I--

Be nice,

Be smart,

Be safe,

Have fun,

I love you

--Every day when I left for school.

I am from “I hope you know how amazing you are,”

A frequent reassurance, but never when I need it.

I am from gray skies,

From watching rainstorms in the night.

I am from sarcastic comments and rude humor,

From purple and blue and green and silver,

And I am from loneliness, anxiety, and fear.

I am from poems written in the dead of night

And long hours working, working,

Until the paychecks and report cards come.

I am from four brothers, no sisters,

From messy holidays and reunions,

And dysfunctional grandparents on both sides.

I am from sadness and sorrow and suicide,

From high test scores and low self-esteem.

I am from contradictions, from unspoken conflict,

From hiding emotions to protect myself.

I am from violent games and movies,

But from sensitive hearts and gentle souls.

I am from tough love and tender care,

From hardship in life and simplicity in school.

I am from fights to meet expectations,

From breaking down after failure.

I am from learning everything,

Everything except how to be human.

From arrogance and pride,

From self-loathing and hate,

And I am from intelligence and compassion.

I am from every emotion imaginable,

Yet feeling nothing at all,

From self control and iron will,

But impulsivity and aggression.

I am from hostility and kindness.

I am from performing in school,

From slacking off at home;

I am from long distance friendships,

From isolation nearby;

I am from fighting for attention,

From rejecting affection;

I am from stressing about deadlines,

From procrastinating everything;

I am from everything and anything,

From something and nothing;

I am from spite and hate and anger,

From kindness and love and forgiveness.

I am from everything, I am from nothing.

Please Come Back

I lie awake here
Thinking of you,
Hoping you'll call.
I'm sick of silence;
I miss you;
Please come back.
The night is angry,
And I'm afraid
You'll never call.
I'm scared something happened
And you're gone;
It kills me.
That thought torments me
Day and night,
All the time.
I'm begging you, please,
Don't leave me.
You're my person.
This breaks my heart.
I need you.
Please come back.

Unsent Letter No. 4

You complain about everything.
You come to me to whine;
About your parents,
About your job,
About your siblings,
About your love life,
About your friends.

It's your own damn fault.
It's because you bring it upon yourself;
You rebel against your parents,
You take too many shifts,
You bully your brothers and sisters,
You cheat on your boyfriends,
You push us all away.

I want to help you as much as I can.
I really do, but it's very hard;
Can't help you rebel against them,
Can't do your job for you,
Can't force you to be nice,
Can't manipulate your relationships,
Can't break down your walls.

Let me know what I can do for you.

Best regards.

Your Breath

I find peace in your breath,
Warmth in your heartbeat,
Happiness in your voice.
Your breath soothes me,
Calms my troubled thoughts,
Quells my anxiety.
In your breath, I find safety,
I find refuge,
I find serenity.
What I never knew I sought
Comes with your breath,
With your life and presence.
I find joy in your heartbeat,
Comfort in your voice,
Peace in your breath.

Through the Motions

I am shattered inside.
But I will go through the motions.
I will tell you
Good morning
Good night
Good bye.
Inside I think
I am lonely
I need rest
I want peace.

I don't know how to be happy.
But I will go through the motions.
I will
Smile
Laugh
Wave
But inside I
Groan
Cry
Break.

I know how to go through the motions.
I know it by heart.
I can pretend to be fine,
Like always.
I am not immortal,
Untouchable,
Or even just okay.
I'll go through the motions,
The motions of being fine.
Though I'm shattered inside.

Grant Me A Victory

Lord, grant me a victory.
Give me a chance
To stand tall
Before the world drags me down.
Lord, grant me a miracle.
Give me a blessing
And show me that good exists
In this world dragging me down.
Lord, grant me a victory.
So that I may battle on
Against the darkness
In this world dragging me down.
Lord, grant me a miracle.
Show me true happiness
And let me know freedom
Before the world drags me down.

Lord, grant me a victory.
This road is long and dark and hard,
And I don't know how long
I can go on
Until the world drags me down.
Lord, grant me a miracle.
Hear my voice in the night,
Hear my plea for mercy,
Hear my cry for help,
As this world is dragging me down.
Lord, grant me a victory.
To show my fight is not in vain,
To give me hopes for tomorrow,
To show me the sunrise again,
As this world is dragging me down.
Lord, grant me a miracle.
Let me taste of peace,
And understand quiet,
So that I may stand tall
Until the world drags me down.

You Haunt My Dreams

How dare you waltz in here,
Into my mind, like you never left,
And expect me to welcome you
With open arms.
I want to let you go, I do,
And live, if I must, bereft,
Without any part of you near.
You haunt my dreams,
Creeping in, uninvited--
I thought you were gone.
Yet there you are,
After so, so long.
These feelings, so one-sided,
Are rushing through my blood,
Rushing back after lying dormant,
So dormant I thought them dead,
But your presence in the night
Seems to have been enough
To bring them back to life.
Stay out of my head,
So I can see what's important.

The Breath of Silence

In order to feel it,
You must be alone,
With no one around,
It may reach out to you,
A sharp, soft whisper,
The breath of silence.
It may brush against your neck,
Gently, with the tip of a finger,
It traces your spine,
Before slipping away
As silently as it had come.

Here's to 2015

(Written 1/1/16)

Here's to 2015,
A year of should'ves and shouldn't'ves,
A year of regrets and stories to tell.
Here's to 2015,
A year of nos and yesses,
A year of curses and blessings.
Here's to 2015,
A year of offense and pride,
A year of laughter and tears.
Here's to 2015,
A year of love and hate,
A year of violence and peace.
Here's to 2015,
A year of magic and reality,
Another year of life.

So here's to 2015,
A year of excitement and change.
Goodbye, 2015.